doubts……..

** This entry is part of my seasonal self-care series, ‘fALLing in love with me’, where I am trying to be more accepting of my self-perceived flaws and look at them as endearing quirks that make me who I am. I want to learn to love me…..ALL of me because I am wonderful, wise, and worthy. **

I love yoga – I mean, puffy heart it something fierce! I started my personal practice again several months back and I go 3-4 times a week. Every.week. I will even be attending a fabulous yoga retreat at the end of October and I am elated. But, I have recently entertained two doubts that cropped up and cast shadows on my practice. I almost vlogged this post but am still tender about it, so the written word is going to get me through this. And I won’t delete it, I pinky swear.

I am the big girl in class. (Andy will hate this part. He won’t allow me to talk negatively about myself, so let me clarify: this is fact, not negativity.) I wondered if this would be the case before I attended my first class and it was. Everyone is really lovely and we are all just trying to stay on our mats but, as I tuck myself into certain poses and catch a glimpse in the mirror, I sometimes feel like a lump on the mat. I try to quickly give myself credit that I am even in class and remind myself that I am more than the exterior reflected back and I love yoga,  my classmates, my instructor. But I have to admit, there is still shame in my heart when I look into that mirror.

I am weak in body; I should stop before I fall off the mat. I stay in a constant state of inflammation (thank you, MCTD!) and my muscles are always tense but I attempt every pose and try to maintain them. I know my yoga practice will only benefit me and helps me deal with MCTD but when I am on the mat and my muscles are screaming at me or not cooperating, my first response is to think: “This is it – the last time……I can not do this.” Then, we swing into Sitting Pigeon and I know we are on the end of class and the finish line is near. After we complete our class my body feels like I have had an internal massage and I know I have to be at the next class.

As my yoga teacher advises: I am trying to find the strength, not the weakness.

I realize my arms support me while in plank. My shoulders, tense as they may be, aid in Bridge. My legs, even if shaky at best, hold me up as I come up to Warrior I and II. I am a fierce Warrioress trying to have gentle eyes and an open heart. xo

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7 thoughts on “doubts……..

  1. Renee I wasn’t quite sure what the health issues were, and just read your post on MCTD. With all of that, I am amazed you can do yoga! I have something wrong with my hip (still not sure what yet), and I hurt in just one place- I can’t imagine doing yoga while hurting all over! Your teacher is spot on- focus on your strength, cuz you are strong!! Inside and out!!

  2. This reminds me of the quote by Mary Ann Radmacher “courage doesn’t always roar, sometimes it’s that little voice, at the end of the day, saying ‘I will try again tomorrow’. In your case, courage is that little voice saying ‘I will do again tomorrow’. Be proud of yourself!

  3. I’m so in awe of you. I long to yoga . . . But can’t get over the fact that I WILL be the largest soul in the room. My usually high self esteem fails the minute I even think if stepping into a yoga class. But you are inspiring, my friend. So very inspiring, in so very many ways. hugs!

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