doubts……..

** This entry is part of my seasonal self-care series, ‘fALLing in love with me’, where I am trying to be more accepting of my self-perceived flaws and look at them as endearing quirks that make me who I am. I want to learn to love me…..ALL of me because I am wonderful, wise, and worthy. **

I love yoga – I mean, puffy heart it something fierce! I started my personal practice again several months back and I go 3-4 times a week. Every.week. I will even be attending a fabulous yoga retreat at the end of October and I am elated. But, I have recently entertained two doubts that cropped up and cast shadows on my practice. I almost vlogged this post but am still tender about it, so the written word is going to get me through this. And I won’t delete it, I pinky swear.

I am the big girl in class. (Andy will hate this part. He won’t allow me to talk negatively about myself, so let me clarify: this is fact, not negativity.) I wondered if this would be the case before I attended my first class and it was. Everyone is really lovely and we are all just trying to stay on our mats but, as I tuck myself into certain poses and catch a glimpse in the mirror, I sometimes feel like a lump on the mat. I try to quickly give myself credit that I am even in class and remind myself that I am more than the exterior reflected back and I love yoga,  my classmates, my instructor. But I have to admit, there is still shame in my heart when I look into that mirror.

I am weak in body; I should stop before I fall off the mat. I stay in a constant state of inflammation (thank you, MCTD!) and my muscles are always tense but I attempt every pose and try to maintain them. I know my yoga practice will only benefit me and helps me deal with MCTD but when I am on the mat and my muscles are screaming at me or not cooperating, my first response is to think: “This is it – the last time……I can not do this.” Then, we swing into Sitting Pigeon and I know we are on the end of class and the finish line is near. After we complete our class my body feels like I have had an internal massage and I know I have to be at the next class.

As my yoga teacher advises: I am trying to find the strength, not the weakness.

I realize my arms support me while in plank. My shoulders, tense as they may be, aid in Bridge. My legs, even if shaky at best, hold me up as I come up to Warrior I and II. I am a fierce Warrioress trying to have gentle eyes and an open heart. xo

Advertisements

fALLing……..

Can you feel it? The air is cooler and the days are shorter. It is autumn – or “fall” as us Southerns tend to call it. There is also the promise of a quiet time when things start to slow, a time where we can really burrow in and settle into ourselves. I am ready for this slowness, this knowing.

I adore autumn and wanted to carry on the sumMEr love but could not think of a catchy title. Then, a very talented, thoughtful friend of mine, Rhonda Franks of MoonSeazen Designz, suggested “fALLing in love with me”~fabulous, right? And so it begins: the journey to love me because, as the saying goes: in order to be loved you have to love yourself. For all your ‘faults’ you have even more reasons to love yourself -go ahead, try it out and see how it feels!  Happy fALL, y’all!  xoxoxo

A rambling vlog sharing fALLing: click here to watch.

Recognizing…….

Summer is fading. I can smell, see,  and feel the autumn coming in and I love it! sumMEr was full for me but I would be remiss if I did not admit that somewhere along the way it fell just a bit short of my expectations. The guest bloggers were fabulous and more than I could have ever anticipated but I don’t feel like I upheld my end ~ to myself. Once again, I let the days pass by in a blur with sumMEr just on the tip of my tongue.

Then I remember to be gentle with myself.

Many people commented that sumMEr helped them, made them more aware and I recognize it did the same for me.

I now recognize more of what I do and don’t want in my life. I recognize I want more care-free-ness, more play. I recognize that I want more writing, more yoga and more books, less stress. I recognize that I want more singing and dancing. I recognize that I want to be more comfortable in my skin, the only skin I will ever have. I recognize I want relationships that are deeper and more meaningful. I recognize that I want a simpler life. I realize I want to live ~really LIVE~ my one precious life. I recognize that it is up to me, each and every day, to take steps (as small as they may be) toward my goals, to embrace what is while making what will be. I recognize I have to actively ALLOW and keep my eyes and heart gentle, be less judgmental while finding my true, authentic self.  I recognize that I create my own reality.

I recognize this is what life is – more about the recognizing, not so much the fading.