Lately…..

Hopefully, this post won’t prove too negative as that is not my intent. Rather, I want to be genuine and authentic. I hope to provide a soft, safe place to land and know I can only do so by extending the same love to myself. I acknowledge that self-care and self-communication are key.  I am trying to make better choices and one of those choices includes honoring where I am.

Lately the ‘baby thing’ has weighed heavy.

After being married several years with no sign of pregnancy and having many factors at play ~ mainly health issues on my part~the Mr. and I had made the decision for him to have a vasectomy.  While I was never fully happy with this leg of our journey, I still held out hope that, with technology what it is, we two might ultimately become three.

Fast forward several years later and some of those health issues were making their presence known and resulted in a hysterectomy for me. The small reality that I might carry a child~be a mother~had been taken from me. Just.like.that.

Now, two years post op, it seems to get harder and I am not sure how to handle all the sadness, anger, bitterness and hopelessness. I am realizing that I am infertile. And that takes my breath. I know adoption is an option but that is costly and will turn life on its ear and as I tend to romance things, this brings great fear and doubt. But, as it stands at this very moment, I am childless. And this saddens me deeply.

There are reminders everywhere~all the time. Everyone either has children or is preggers. Moments are not cherished but are taken for granted. If we opt for adoption, (insert sense of urgency as I am almost 37) there are even more worries and on top of them, I will have to do a song and dance to prove my worthiness to ‘buy’ a baby. Intellectually, I know this is not the case but emotionally I am weary. Normally I hide behind a smile and nod. If I never acknowledge how deep that ache is surely it shall pass, right? Well, I can tell you that is not really working out for me lately. So I have chosen to take a different route and am now preparing a soft, safe place to land. xo

When….

When the words won’t come, only the tears….

When “now” seems to be too far to ever count in years.

When reality knocks on the walls that surround you…..

When your world is full of only shades of blue.

When there are no answers near or far…..

When you are not really sure who you are.

ALL…….

Those moments that are neither here nor there. When you are not sure if you are up or down and you are hanging onto just a shred of hope. Ideas that come and are quickly thought away. The moments of doubt that cloud around. Looking up to realize we are half through an entire year and no closer to the dreams that promised a new way. This is what reality is~it is all in the becoming.

Today……..

All is well with my lil’ world. My honey is working on his creative endeavors and I am piddling around with my own.

Wanted to pop in and say ‘hello’…..I have not forgotten about you….just trying to organize some things and determine the best way to chart my course.

I am slowly realizing that a huge part of wanting to honor.empower.motivate.inspire others is to start with me…..Self-Care and Self-Communication are key.Those little untruths we tell ourselves, those things we let stop us from living a full life, I am interested in re-thinking all that.

If we supported ourselves like we do our spouses, children, best friends (even people that we have never met face to face) just think of how limitless we would ALLOW ourselves to be? xo