I………

I am a romancer of outcomes. I am a collector of much. I am soft-hearted.  I am hesitantly hopeful. I am open to slow change. I am looking for hidden beauty. I am hesitant. I am restless. I am becoming.

Now……

 

he was almost ours. we were almost three. they say everything happens for a reason. ‘they’ were not forced to watch from a distance what might have been. ‘they’ did not have to ache for what would never be.

now my breath catches when i think of him. my heart is soft and my eyes tear. there is a softness reserved for only him.

we are two and will always be. we are strong and true. we are in the now with memories of him and who he now is. xo

Here……

“Above all, be true to yourself, and if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it.” ~Unknown

I have been thinking a lot…..if you know me you will not doubt this. Oft times I get overwhelmed and anxious even without knowing specifically why; the words, they do not come and I feel inarticulate and silly and vulnerable. The smallest of things can send me into a panic. I do not like feeling this way, Sam I am, I do not like it one bit. I am trying to calm my mind so I can make room for the real, the here, so it does not pass me by in a frenzied mess. One way I am doing this is through a fabulous online class hosted by Liz Lamoreux  called Create Space. I already feel calmer and more at peace than when I first started the class.

I am trying to embrace my story, lean in, live my poem and remember that I must honor where I am on my journey, let it empower me and motivate positive change that will inspire the creativity and soul-fullness that I want to carry within and share with others.

Another artist I am fortunate enough to be taking a class from in the upcoming months,  Jenni Horne, penned a lovely, heartfelt blog post and urged her readers to share more of their truth. I get so caught up in details and life and worries and shoulds and maybes but I know my truth is here. It is in the becoming. xo

REMINDER……

Photo Credit: Tina Bates Turner of Live, Laugh, Bead

 

♥Had the honor of making this lovely keepsake for an adorable couple that will be apart for a bit and he wanted to make sure she would have a daily reminder of his love♥

Lately…..

Hopefully, this post won’t prove too negative as that is not my intent. Rather, I want to be genuine and authentic. I hope to provide a soft, safe place to land and know I can only do so by extending the same love to myself. I acknowledge that self-care and self-communication are key.  I am trying to make better choices and one of those choices includes honoring where I am.

Lately the ‘baby thing’ has weighed heavy.

After being married several years with no sign of pregnancy and having many factors at play ~ mainly health issues on my part~the Mr. and I had made the decision for him to have a vasectomy.  While I was never fully happy with this leg of our journey, I still held out hope that, with technology what it is, we two might ultimately become three.

Fast forward several years later and some of those health issues were making their presence known and resulted in a hysterectomy for me. The small reality that I might carry a child~be a mother~had been taken from me. Just.like.that.

Now, two years post op, it seems to get harder and I am not sure how to handle all the sadness, anger, bitterness and hopelessness. I am realizing that I am infertile. And that takes my breath. I know adoption is an option but that is costly and will turn life on its ear and as I tend to romance things, this brings great fear and doubt. But, as it stands at this very moment, I am childless. And this saddens me deeply.

There are reminders everywhere~all the time. Everyone either has children or is preggers. Moments are not cherished but are taken for granted. If we opt for adoption, (insert sense of urgency as I am almost 37) there are even more worries and on top of them, I will have to do a song and dance to prove my worthiness to ‘buy’ a baby. Intellectually, I know this is not the case but emotionally I am weary. Normally I hide behind a smile and nod. If I never acknowledge how deep that ache is surely it shall pass, right? Well, I can tell you that is not really working out for me lately. So I have chosen to take a different route and am now preparing a soft, safe place to land. xo

When….

When the words won’t come, only the tears….

When “now” seems to be too far to ever count in years.

When reality knocks on the walls that surround you…..

When your world is full of only shades of blue.

When there are no answers near or far…..

When you are not really sure who you are.

ALL…….

Those moments that are neither here nor there. When you are not sure if you are up or down and you are hanging onto just a shred of hope. Ideas that come and are quickly thought away. The moments of doubt that cloud around. Looking up to realize we are half through an entire year and no closer to the dreams that promised a new way. This is what reality is~it is all in the becoming.

Today……..

All is well with my lil’ world. My honey is working on his creative endeavors and I am piddling around with my own.

Wanted to pop in and say ‘hello’…..I have not forgotten about you….just trying to organize some things and determine the best way to chart my course.

I am slowly realizing that a huge part of wanting to honor.empower.motivate.inspire others is to start with me…..Self-Care and Self-Communication are key.Those little untruths we tell ourselves, those things we let stop us from living a full life, I am interested in re-thinking all that.

If we supported ourselves like we do our spouses, children, best friends (even people that we have never met face to face) just think of how limitless we would ALLOW ourselves to be? xo

Art……

I am joining a few friends of mine in taking part in a blog hop entitled “Love of Art”.  I wasn’t sure what I would write as, even though I love words, they oft-times elude me. I tend to read blogs that sum up my emotions but as far as writing my own, I am sometimes stumped.

This is one reason art has found its way into my heart. In a few words and some paint, a bit of paper and a button, scrap of lace or stitch, I can convey what is in my soul. I find that as I sit with a brush and ALLOW myself to just start that I amaze myself with the end result. Sometimes it is rather simple but I would like to think that life is the same and if I follow my heart that it will lead me where I need to go.

Art can take all shapes and within us stir all ranges of emotions.

Art can bind and build communities.

Art can heal our hurts and open our hearts.

xoxo

join me and a few of my closest~ My Tribe ~ for their thoughts on   “Love of Art”

Dream…….

I am in the midst of dreaming – dreaming BIG. I am giddy and while my Type A tendencies want to come out and supervise, I am ignoring them and forging ahead into limitless hopes with supporting actions shortly to come.

Now that I have given myself permission to dream, no specifics necessary at this particular juncture, I can not seem to stop and I am loving it! There is so much goodness to be shared and I know wonderful things are about to happen.

I have dreams of  a loving, safe place where like-minded, supportive, creative people can gather and connect with each other and themselves  in order to be a force of good. I.can’t.wait – it is all just around the corner, my friends! Can’t you just feel it? The love…… xoxo